Succubus Lord 6 Read online

  Chapter 1

  “So, I’m trying to wrap my head around this,” Libidine pondered aloud as we wandered through the streets of New Orleans. “Today is some sort of religious celebration here on Earth?”

  “Correct,” I explained. “It’s called Mardi Gras, and it’s a big deal here.”

  “I thought the Exalted One was an old fuddy-duddy,” Cupiditas said with a sly grin, “but the alcohol seems to be flowing, and there was a group of women back there who were flashing their breasts at all the men down below. Maybe he’s not as much of a prude as I thought.”

  “Ehhhh,” Todd the imp interjected, “the whole idea behind the thing has been distorted over the years. Now it’s just a giant party where people have an excuse to get drunk, stuff their faces, and bump uglies. Not in that order, of course. That’s just asking for an eruption in the throes of sexy time, and not the good kind. The kind that’s made of stomach stew and not baby-making goo.”

  “We get it, Todd,” I said in an attempt to keep the imp from going into any more detail. “Fuck first, eat and drink later.”

  “Not necessarily,” Todd continued. “Most of the time, you wanna start with the alcohol. There’s a lot of beautiful women in this place, but a stomach full of Jack Daniels can turn a five into a twenty.”

  Thankfully, the imp was currently in his human form and not the three-foot-tall, red-skinned being with hooves and horns he normally was. This form helped my friend blend into the crowd more subtly, but it also allowed him to interact with humans without causing a scene. Todd’s hippie-like appearance might have been off-putting to some, but it was much less alarming to your average Joe than a creature from Hell would have been.

  “Not to be a Debbie Downer,” Tristitia spoke up, “but how much farther do we have to go? You said Baal is here in New Orleans, right?”

  “Yes and no,” I explained to the tall brunette succubus. “The final member of the Seventy-Two Servants is in the Big Easy, but he’s not downtown. He’s out in some swamp somewhere on the outskirts of town.”

  “Then what are we doing in this giant crowd of people?” The succubus sighed. “I’m always down for a good party, but this is exhausting. Everybody has beads, but you can only get them if you show your tits. Which apparently is only allowed in certain parts of the city, mind you. There’s a parade, but you have to be here like six hours early in order to get a decent spot. It’s, like, why even throw a party if you’re gonna toss in a bunch of rules, ya know?”

  “Is that an advocacy for total anarchy I hear?” Todd asked hopefully. “I like you more and more every day, Slothy!”

  “It makes sense for Baal to be out in the middle of a swamp somewhere,” Cupi interjected. “He is part frog, after all.”

  “Of all the demons who are left for us to slay, I can’t believe we’re facing off against the one who is part frog and part cat,” I observed. “It sounds like whoever created this guy was just pulling things out of their ass.”

  “It’s like platypussies, bro,” Todd added. “Those things are like duck-beavers that lay eggs and have venomous bites.”

  All four of us stared at Todd for a minute.

  “Do you mean a platypus?” I asked curiously.

  Todd blinked his blue eyes at us, completely confused. “That’s what I said, right?” he protested. “Platypussies.”

  “‘Pus,’ Todd.” I laughed. “It’s not a cat.”

  “What does a cat have to do with an amphibious mammal?” the disguised imp questioned.

  “Nothing.” I sighed and rolled my eyes. “Nothing at all.”

  “I still can’t believe we’re down to the last name on our list,” Libidine pondered to change the subject. “After we’ve finished off Baal, the Seventy-Two Servants will be no more!”

  The dark-haired succubus was right. Over the course of the last year and a half, my succubi and I, along with the cultists who followed me and the Archangel Raphael, had hunted down and slain seventy-one members of the Seventy-Two Servants. These assholes were a powerful band of demons who followed Azazel, one of the deadliest beings in the universe who also just happened to be my arch-enemy.

  Then again, I guess stealing the King of the Fourth Circle’s succubi, converting his cultists, and banishing him to Hell wasn’t exactly going to put me on his good side.

  “You have no idea how relieved that makes me,” I said with a smile as I wrapped my arm around Liby. “After all this time… all the adventures… we can finally kill the last of Azazel’s cronies and be free of that red-skinned fucker once and for all.”

  Our group passed by a small band of men dressed in colorful clothing who looked like they were drunk off their asses. They were talking amongst themselves loudly, and they each had a full set of beads strung around their necks and beer bottles in their hands. One of the men, dressed up in a purple collared shirt, was fruitlessly trying to light up a doobie.

  “Yoink!” Todd exclaimed as he plucked the joint out of the man’s hand.

  The imp held the joint out in front of his body, summoned a tiny flame of red Hellfire into his finger, and lit it. Then, he raised the doobie to his mouth, took a hit, and exhaled smoke into the air as his eyes rolled back in his head.

  “This is some top-grade shit, Slothy,” Todd promised and extended the joint out to Tris. “I don’t know what it is exactly, but we need to try and make a copycat for our dispensary.”

  Tris took the joint from the disguised imp, popped its end between her thin lips, and then inhaled deeply. Smoke blew out of the brunette’s nose, and then she smiled devilishly.

  “Please,” she scoffed. “I have a strain of Emerald Ash Borer that puts this shit to shame.”

  “You have a strain you haven’t shared with me yet?” Todd asked in a dumbfounded voice. “Slothy, if we wanna be partners, then you gotta keep me in the loop on everything! Nothing should go on at T&T’s Wake ‘N Bake that I don’t know about.”

  “T&T’s Wake ‘N Bake?” Libidine mused.

  “That’s our depository’s name,” Tris said proudly. “Don’t wear it out.”

  Todd looked down the street and then turned to Tristitia in a panic. “Oh shit!” he exclaimed. “It’s the po-po!”

  Without warning, the imp knocked the joint out of Tris’ hand. In one swift motion, Todd stomped on the doobie to put it out and then held his foot nonchalantly over the illegal drug as two uniformed officers passed by. The blond man gave them each an awkward nod, and they responded with a knowing smile. However, they just laughed to themselves and continued walking.

  “It’s New Orleans, Todd,” I explained to the imp. “I’m sure they’ve seen much, much worse.”

  “I take no chances, bro,” Todd shot back. “The last thing the Toddster needs is to end up in prison. Do you have any idea what they’d do to me in there, Jakey? A hot piece of meat like myself would get passed around like the doobie I just smoked. Probably used by multiple people at once. It’d give the term ‘spitroasting’ a whole new meaning.”

  “Please stop,” Cupi gagged.

  “And the worst part?” Todd continued. “I wouldn’t even get to say ‘no homo’ first. I’ve seen Oz. Those guys’ll just sneak up on ya in your sleep and then bam! You go from a cheerio to a glazed donut.”

  “I’m not following,” Cupi admitted.

  “You really don’t want him to explain--” I started, but the Toddster was already on it.

  The imp held up his right hand and curled his fist so it would make a tiny circle. “Cheerio … ” he explained, and then he loosened his fist and made the inner circle wider. “Donut.”

  Cupi thought about his example for a minute, and then her eyes grew wide in horror. The blonde succubus put her hands over her mouth and made sounds like she was dry-h
eaving.

  “I warned you,” I said with a chuckle.

  “I’m enjoying this party, Jacob,” Libidine said from my arm’s embrace, wisely trying to turn us from further exploring the topic. “Even if Todd’s examples are gross and horrifying.”

  “Unfortunately, we can’t stay here much longer.” I sighed and took in the crowd.

  All along the side of the road, people were dressed in vibrant shades of purple and gold and green. They clumped together in groups, cheering as the floats and vehicles of the parade passed by in front of them. Every now and again, you’d see a handful of candy or beads get tossed out into the groups of spectators.

  “That’s a shame,” Liby admitted. “I haven’t even gotten any beads yet.”

  “I’ll give you all the beads you want when we get back,” I reassured the succubus. “In fact, I may just let you earn ‘em the old fashioned way … ”

  The curvy, dark-haired woman looked deep into my eyes with her violet irises and grinned. “I think I’d like that,” she admitted, “but for now, we need to find this Esther woman.”

  “What kinda name is Esther, anyways?” Todd asked curiously. “It sounds like she should be wearing an oversized cap and hunting ‘wabbits.’”

  “Esther and I go way back,” Tris explained. “Back when I still worked for Azazel and Earl, I was here all the time. There’s just something that drew me to a place called ‘The Big Easy,’ ya know? Well, as you may or may not know, I was always disobeying my master’s orders and sneaking off to check out all the cool shit Earth had to offer.”

  “I remember,” I explained as I gave her a grim nod. “Cupi told me way back when we were first together. She used your story as an example of Earl’s cruelty.”

  Tris went silent, bit her lip, and then stared down at the ground as if she were staring off into a dark void.

  “Yeah,” she muttered, “I remember all that bullshit. I got too close to the sun and figured I could still get back in time before he noticed I was gone. I was waaaay wrong. That meant weeks in the torture chamber of the Eighth Circle for me.”

  “I’m so sorry, Tris,” I comforted Tris as I put my hand on her shoulder, “but Earl and Azazel can’t hurt you any more. They’re both back in the pits of Hell right now, probably being tortured by Lucifer and his minions just like you were.”

  “Doubtful,” Cupi scoffed. “Azazel might be banished from Earth Realm, but he’s still the King of the Fourth Circle. He’s probably down there right now, drinking cocktails made of blood while he watches everything that’s going on here with his dimensional mirror.”

  “Dimensional mirror?” I questioned as a few of the parade floats passed us by.

  “One of the main features of Azazel’s castle in Hell is the dimensional mirror he has hanging over his mantle,” Libidine explained. “It’s almost like the TVs we use here on Earth, but instead of showing exciting movies or interesting documentaries, it allows the viewer to check in on their minions.”

  “Wait … ” I pondered aloud, and I could feel my face drain of its color. “So you’re telling me Azazel has been able to watch us this whole time?”

  “Bro … ” Todd gagged with realization. “He’s probably totally been wacking it while he watches you guys fucking.”

  “Thankfully, that’s not an option.” Cupi interjected. “Once we swore our allegiance to Jacob and made our first connection, we became his succubi. The mirror only works on those who truly believe in Azazel and his mission.”

  “But he has been able to see what’s going on with all of his minions,” Libidine continued. “Which means he’s probably been watching all of our battles over the last year or so.”

  “Probably?” Tris said as she perked back up. “Gula and I watched the entire Battle of Hell’s Gate! It was pretty fucking awesome, even if the surprise twist of Ira’s betrayal felt a little bit cliche.”

  “Oh, so now you’re a critic?” I joked and gave Tris a playful nudge.

  “We also watched your fight on top of that huge tower in San Francisco,” the brunette continued. “Seeing you and our former sisters in action for the first time was a real treat, you know. Sister Ira kept rewinding the footage and putting the brutal kills in slow-motion. If I remember correctly, she also kept pausing it whenever it would get a close shot of your face.”

  “Looks like Ira had a crush on you even back then,” Liby giggled.

  “She sure had a weird way of showing it,” I shot back. “Considering she tried to kill us multiple times, including by dropping a beloved memorial on our heads.”

  “You know what I say, dude,” Tris said with a wave of her hand. “Namaste. Hakuna Matata. Live and Let Die. What’s in the past should stay in the past, and we should only be focusing on the here and the now.”

  “Wow,” Todd mused. “You should totally write a book of zen sayings, Slothy. They’d probably sell like hotcakes on my Toddcast.”

  “Toddcast?” I groaned at the imp’s words.

  “Yup!” Todd exclaimed proudly. “I’ve transcended the world of blogging and have moved on to podcasting. Tuesdays with the Toddster is one of the top-rated paranormal and occult podcasts in the world, bro!”

  “How many paranormal and occult-themed podcasts are there?” I asked coyly.

  Todd crossed his arms across his chest and tried a little too hard to make it look like he was thinking about the question. He rubbed at his goatee as he let out an overdramatic “hmmmm.” Finally, the disguised imp shrugged.

  “I dunno,” he admitted. “Probably like five or six.”

  “Well, hey,” I laughed, “at least you can say you’re in the top five!”

  “Sixth,” Todd muttered under his breath. “I’m actually in sixth.”

  “Cheer up, Toddster,” I comforted my friend. “Someday, that number one spot will be all yours.”

  “Come on, guys,” Tris pleaded as she motioned for us to follow her. “Let’s go find Esther. This parade is getting boring.”

  I raised an eyebrow at the succubus coyly. “You think the biggest Mardi Gras parade in the country is boring?”

  Tristitia stifled a yawn with her mouth. “It’s just a bunch of sensory overload and people in ridiculous costumes,” she said with a shrug. “If I wanted to watch that, I would have stayed home and turned the TV to pro wrestling.”

  Todd let out a shocked gasp, and then the imp furrowed his brow and pointed his finger at the succubus angrily.

  “You take that back!” he demanded.

  “Maybe I’m being too harsh,” Tris admitted. “This thing is just a clusterfuck of people. At least with wrestling there are stories, even if they are fake.”

  “Slothy,” Todd warned as he held up his thumb and pointer finger, “I’m thiiisss close to giving you the Rock Bottom right here in the street. There will be no knocking Earth’s greatest warriors in T&T’s Wake ‘N Bake.”

  The brunette winked at the imp and gave him a little salute. “Sure thing, boss.”

  “Good,” Todd said as his demeanor became calmer and he turned toward the rest of us. “The Toddster runs a very tight ship as a manager. You can’t let your employees get too far outta line.”

  “Aren’t you and Tris fifty-fifty partners?” Libidine reminded the imp. “Superbia set up your charter very specifically so you’d split everything down the middle.”

  Todd put a hand over the right side of his mouth so Tris couldn’t hear what he was saying. “That may be the case, but it’s good business practice to treat your partner like a mushroom,” he explained. “Keep ‘em in the dark and keep feeding ‘em shit.”

  “That’s the opposite of what you’re supposed to do with a fifty-fifty partner,” I pointed out. “Like, the complete opposite. At least, that’s what all of my business professors would say.”

  “Business professors, bro?” Todd scoffed. “Please. What do they know? Everybody knows a degree from Mardsten University is useless.”

  “Todd, we went to the same school,” I mu
sed.

  “And now I’m a three-foot tall imp who runs a paranormal blog from his best friend’s second bedroom,” the imp argued. “I’ll let you make of that what you will.”

  “You know,” I admitted, “I can’t really argue with that one.”

  “Shouldn’t we be heading toward Esther’s shop?” Cupi interjected. “I’d hate to have come all this way just to have her be closed when we got there.’”

  “Alright, alright,” I conceded. “I just figured we were already in the area and it was the right time. It’s not like you got to see this kind of stuff in Hell.”

  “You’re definitely right about that one.” Cupi chuckled. “The only parades we had down there were when Azazel and his army would march their prisoners through the Fourth Circle before they executed them.”

  “So not as pleasant?” I joked.

  “No,” the blonde succubus retorted. “Unless you consider things like an iron maiden or being broken on the wheel ‘pleasant.’”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about, dudette,” Todd argued. “Iron Maiden is the shit.”

  Cupi, Liby, and Tris all looked at the disguised imp in horror.

  “The torture device, not the band,” I clarified.

  Todd’s eyes widened as he realized what I was saying. “Ohhhhhh. Why didn’t you just say so, bro?”

  I looked down at my phone and saw that it was nearing five in the afternoon. As much as I would have loved to stay here and party all night long with this lively crowd, Cupi was right. We still had a mission to finish.

  “Alright, gang,” I addressed my friends. “Let’s go meet the voodoo woman.”

  Thankfully, Esther’s shop was located right here in the French Quarter. The five of us pulled ourselves away from the parade and headed north, toward the address Tris had provided. The slender brunette acted as our guide, and it was nearly impossible for me to take my eyes off her.

  Tristitia was wearing a flowing tan shirt that almost looked like something straight out of Woodstock. The fabric of the garment may have been flowing, but it was far from frumpy. The shirt’s material hugged every curve of Tris’ torso, from her slender stomach to her small, pert breasts. On her lower half, the succubus wore a pair of hippie pants with a green floral pattern, and I could catch a glimpse of Tris’ bouncing ass as she walked.