Succubus Lord 9 Page 18

  Up on the road ahead, there was a large brown sign with the National Park Service logo on the side. It read “Montezuma’s Castle National Monument.”

  “What the hell is that?” Eligor spoke up from the back seat. “Is Montezuma one of Earth’s kings? Is that his dwelling?”

  “No, Goldilocks,” Todd explained, “it’s a conspiracy theory wrapped up in a historical occult site. We gotta stop there, bro.”

  “Stop?” I scoffed. “We’re on our way to battle. Why would we stop now?”

  “Because it’s badass, bro,” the imp argued. “It looks like something ripped straight out of an Indiana Jones movie, and it’s the stuff of legends for occult aficionados like moi.”

  “I wouldn’t mind a break,” Raphael explained. “I haven’t been able to feel my legs for the last twenty minutes.”

  “We haven’t been driving that long,” I shot back.

  “We’re all used to flying, Jacob,” Ariel explained. “This is honestly the first time I’ve ever even ridden in a car. Outside of our escape from Heaven, of course.”

  “What about you, Aruna?” Todd asked. “You wanna get out and stretch your moneymakers?”

  “I’m fine,” the Rakshasi admitted. “This is nothing compared to that job I did in the arctic. For that one, I transformed myself into a child and hid in a sealed barrel for twelve hours while I waited on my target to show up.”

  “Soooooo, no?” Todd sighed.

  “It’s fine,” I finally conceded. “We can stop for a minute so we can all stretch out. But we can’t stay for long. And I’m not stopping again until we’re closer to the state line, got it?”

  “Kapeesh,” Todd said as he shot me a pair of finger guns. “Our only stop for the next two hours.”

  “I think it will take more than--”

  “Or until we get hungry,” the imp pondered. “When the Toddster gets the munchies, you’d best be stopin’.”

  “Okay, so--”

  “Or until I have to piss,” Todd continued. “Trust me, Jakey, you don’t want me trying to piss in a bottle while we’re in a moving car. Ever seen a garden hose during an earthquake? It’d be the same situation.”

  “Let’s just see where the day takes us,” I chuckled as I signaled and turned into the entrance.

  We drove another few miles down a small road, and then we parked in the lot of the monument. There were several school buses already there, and throngs of local children were running toward the trail that led to the main attraction.

  As the group was about to get out, I had to whistle loudly for their attention.

  “Hold on, guys,” I explained. “We’re not in Hell any more. We should probably try to not stick out like sore thumbs.”

  “What do you mean?” Eligor questioned as she adjusted her chain-mail bra.

  “First things first,” I continued, “you should probably throw on some clothes. I think Cupi left some of hers in the back the last time we-- well, you know. Anyways, these kiddies don’t need an anatomy lesson.”

  “Probably no weapons, either?” Raph added.

  “Right,” I said with a nod. “Leave those in the Jeep.”

  “That’s why the Toddster always packs light,” Todd snickered as he reached for the door handle. “Or, at least, as light as I can when my schlong weighs as much as a whale’s. Let’s go check this shit out!”

  “Todd,” I implored.

  The imp spun around and looked at me with confusion on his face.

  I raised my eyebrows and looked him up and down.

  “Ohhhhhh,” he realized, “I forgot mortals can’t handle this temple of a body I’ve got now. Give me one second. Could you give me some room, Mystique?”

  Aruna frowned at the imp, but then she popped open the door and slid out. The second she was gone, Todd hopped up onto the passenger’s seat, did a few stretches, and then cleared his throat.

  “Let’s do this shit,” he announced, and then his skin began to bubble as he made Transformers sounds with his mouth.

  Slowly, the flesh on his body changed from red to a pale peach color. His legs and arms extended until they were normal human size, his hooves gave way to worn-out converse, and his wiry hair stretched out into a full head of unkempt blond locks. Soon, the Toddster was back in his human form.

  “A grifter,” Ariel mused. “Excellent choice for a disguise.”

  “Grifter?” Todd gasped with hurt in his voice. “I’ll have you know that this look was the hottest stoner style of the early two-thousands.”

  Eligor quickly tossed on an old t-shirt and a pair of shorts from the back of the Jeep, and then we exited the vehicle.

  Somehow, some way, the sun was even hotter out here where there was nothing but wide open sand plains as far as the eye could see. The heat was only intensified by the dark black pavement beneath us, and in this moment I was thankful my body was made up of powerful Hellfire magic.

  “So, what’s the big deal with this place?” Eligor scoffed as we walked down the pathway toward the main attraction. “And why are there so many children here?”

  “It’s a field trip, Goldilocks,” Todd explained. “Those were the best fucking days, when Mrs. Thompson would put down her ruler and chalk and bring us out to someplace cool in the wilderness. It was times like those where I felt like I was truly one with nature, bro.”

  “That’s because you’d always sneak off and get high,” I reminded him.

  “Excuse me, Mr. Ralston,” Todd said as he threw his voice to sound like our freshman social studies teacher, “but I seem to remember catching you smokin’ the Devil’s Lettuce with that little scamp a time or two.”

  “That’s horrifying,” Raphael shuddered.

  “What?” Todd asked in his normal voice. “That we were getting high as fuck as freshmen?”

  “No,” the Archangel shot back, “the fact you can do that with your voice. Now I’m wondering how many times you’ve used it to prank call me … ”

  “I dunno … ” Todd snickered and then changed his voice into that of a seductive woman. “How many times did you have hot local singles in your area calling you for a good time?”

  The color drained from Raph’s face as realization set in.

  “Y-you--that was you?” the dark-haired man gasped.

  “You tell me, ‘Mr. Longpecker,’” the imp in disguise was now on the verge of bursting out with laughter, all while Raphael looked ashamed of himself.

  “Todd, did you prank Raph into thinking he was having phone sex?” I asked skeptically.

  “Nothing too crazy,” he shot back with a wave of his hand. “It was mostly just describing lingerie and cuddling.”

  “Uhhhhhh,” I groaned as I tried to even find the words for this situation. “You do realize what that means, right?”

  “That I’m a master prankster?” Todd mused. “Damn straight.”

  “No, Todd,” I explained. “It means you were flirting with a dude over the phone.”

  “Nooooooooo,” the imp protested, “it was all just a big joke. I wasn’t really doing it.”

  “It sounded pretty real to me,” Raph mumbled.

  “Did you say ‘no homo’ afterwards?” I prodded the imp.

  “Of course not,” Todd shot back. “That’d ruin the whole joke.”

  “Then you know what that means … ” I joked coyly.

  Todd rubbed his blond goatee as he thought about it, and then his eyes went wide. His mouth fell agape as he slapped his hands against his cheeks and let out a sound of shock.

  “N-No!” he gasped. “That can’t be true! First it was the giant-ass spider-guy’s penis, and now this?”

  “Spider-guy’s penis?” Ariel questioned aloud.

  “It’s a long story,” I explained. “An assassin went kablooey, and his dead body’s junk hit Todd in the face.”

  Todd shoved his hands in his pocket and murmured underneath his breath.

  “Does it count if I say it now?” the imp asked as we finally approa
ched the monument.

  “Hey, that’s on you,” I admitted and threw my hands in the air. “You gotta figure that one out. In the meantime, we’re here.”

  We walked down a small dirt trail for about half a mile, until we finally came to the foot of a large rock formation towering over the ground. The cliffy formation was made up of light brown rock that was textured like the back of an alligator and jutted out in varying degrees of depth.

  The bottom of the rocky structure was covered with wiry foliage, bushes, and trees, probably to deter tourists from trying to climb it. Then, about halfway up the cliff, stood its most prominent feature.

  There, carved into the side of the cliff, was a small castle. It was made out of the same light brown rock as the surrounding formation and shaped into a sort of flat-topped, three-tiered structure. Small window openings appeared at random intervals, and I could just barely make out the sets of stairs that led up to the castle from the nearby ground.

  “This is it, bro,” Todd whistled. “This was where first contact was made.”

  “First contact?” Aruna asked. “First contact with what?”

  “Some people call ‘em martians, some call ‘em ancient gods … ” the imp in disguise mused in awe. “I like to call them little gray men. This is where the aliens tried to settle, bros and bro-ettes. But then the Native Americans drove them away.”

  Our entire group all exchanged glances of skepticism, but we refrained from laughing. Todd was so into this, and none of us wanted to ruin it for him. Then I overheard a nearby second grader run off to his tour group.

  “The aliens built this!” he exclaimed proudly to his teacher. “Did you know aliens built that?”

  “I don’t think that’s true, Jimmy,” the teacher chuckled. “It was built by the ancient Native Americans so they had a permanent home and could stay out of the sun.”

  “But Shaggy just said it was aliens,” the little boy sighed. “Shaggy would never lie, not even for a Scooby Snack.”

  That was it. I couldn’t help it any more. I doubled over and started to laugh hysterically. That was enough to get the rest of the group to release their bemusement, as well.

  Todd just threw his hands on his hips and shot us all a dirty glare.

  “You laugh now, but that kid knows what’s up,” he scoffed and turned toward the group of second graders. “Don’t let the man ever tell you you’re wrong, kiddos!”

  The teacher gave the imp in disguise a horrified look, and then she quickly shooed the children away in the opposite direction.

  “You’re both wrong,” Raphael said with a coy smile. “The Divine built this place as a covert base sometime back in the bronze age. We needed to keep tabs on a large group of Skinwalkers who had threatened to break their pact of neutrality.”

  “Fuck Skinwalkers,” I shuddered as I remembered the horrific creatures we’d faced back when we were first starting out.

  “So, no aliens?” Todd asked sadly.

  Raphael crossed his arms over his chest and shook his head.

  “Don’t be ridiculous, Todd,” he mused. “Aliens aren’t real.”

  “Oh, of course not,” the imp grumbled as he turned and headed back toward the car. “Skinwalkers, demons, angels, and chupacabras are all real, but aliens? No way, bro … ”

  “I hope I didn’t upset him too much,” Raph said with a shrug.

  “He’ll be fine,” I promised as I turned around and stared at the desert landscape. “I can see why you guys wanted to set up base here. The view from up top must be amazing.”

  “Only one way to find out,” Aruna cooed, and then she looked around to make sure nobody was watching.

  “What are you--” I started, but then was cut off by the sound of ectoplasmic magic bubbling across the Rakshasi’s skin.

  Black ectoplasm engulfed the assassin’s entire figure, and then her body began to morph. Her legs became short and yellow with large talons, and feathers began to grow out of every inch of her skin. Aruna’s arms spread out as they turned into wings, and her face elongated into a pointed beak.

  When all was said and done, the Rakshasi had turned into a falcon.

  Without another word, the newly-transformed Aruna let out a caw of happiness and then took off into the sky. Her body became little more than a dot in the distance as she flew up to the very top of the structure. Once she was level with the roof, the falcon’s body was engulfed with ectoplasm again, and she turned back into her normal self. Aruna gave us a playful wave from the top of Montezuma’s Castle, and now I knew we needed to join her.

  “Todd!” I whistled to the imp, who was now almost halfway down the trail. “You wanna get up there?”

  From off in the distance, I could see his entire demeanor change. He lifted his head up into the air as his body became more relaxed, and then the imp in disguise ran back over to us as quickly as he could.

  I summoned green Hellfire into my hands as I looked around slyly.

  “What are you doing?” Ariel gasped. “Won’t that give us away?”

  “Mortals can’t see the green Hellfire,” I explained with a smirk.

  I extended my hands and instantly engulfed all five of us with emerald flames. Then I closed my eyes and pictured Aruna at the top of the castle, sitting up there all alone, probably mocking us for not having shape-shifting powers. I felt my body become weightless as I traveled through space and time, but then I felt my feet hit rocky ground.

  I forced my eyes open and saw we were all currently standing atop the sandy brown castle, looking out at the sprawling desert before us.

  “Damn,” I mused. “It is beautiful up here.”

  “Seeeeee?” Todd snickered. “Sometimes the Toddster’s ideas are gold, bro.”

  “More people are coming,” Eligor warned. “Off in the distance.”

  The six of us stood up and then slowly climbed down to the upper wall, where our heads just barely stood above the sides of the structure.

  “There,” I chuckled as we watched another group of school children approach the viewing area. “Now we can stay up here as long as we want, no questions asked.”

  “Unfortunately, no,” Eligor reminded me. “We need to be in Cortez by nightfall if we want to cut off the Order of the Exalted.”

  “Yeah, I know,” I admitted, “but it’s hard to pull yourself away from this view.”

  “So, like, are there all sorts of hidden messages in this place?” Todd asked Raphael. “Like, if you or Little Mermaid or Jakey were to blast the wall with Divine Light, would a secret passage open up or some shit like that?”

  “I have no clue,” Raph explained. “And I really, really don’t want to destroy one of Earth Realm’s ancient relics trying to figure it out.”

  “Fair enough,” Todd mused.

  We sat up on top of the wall for a few more minutes as we watched the people down below. There were several park rangers leading tours, along with daily hikers who stopped to take a selfie in front of the castle in the cliff. Finally, I heard a loud grumble from my left.

  “Sorry about that, bro,” Todd apologized. “I haven’t eaten in two full hours, so my tummy’s gettin’ a little hangry.”

  “Only two hours ago?” I mused. “And you’re already hungry again? How is that even possible?”

  “It’s all those years of weed munchies, bro,” the imp in disguise explained. “My body’s become so used to consuming large amounts of calories every few hours that it shuts down when I don’t get my fill.”

  “That’s not a real thing,” Ariel said as she rolled her eyes.

  “Is that a risk you wanna take?” Todd asked sinisterly. “The only thing worse than a bored Todd is a hangry Todd.”

  “Alright,” I conceded. “We can grab some food in the next town we find. But for now, let’s get out of here before somebody sees us. Everybody hang on.”

  I closed my eyes, summoned green Hellfire into my hands, and then blasted it around my friends. In my mind, I pictured the interior of Sha
dow, and I pictured the six of us teleporting there via Hellfire magic. The next thing I knew, my body went weightless, and then I felt the leather seats of the jeep under my rear. I opened my eyes and saw that we were all back in our original seats.

  Well, except for Todd and Aruna.

  The imp was still in his human form, so he was scrunched up uncomfortably on the Rakshasi’s lap.

  “Get … off … of me,” Aruna growled.

  “I would if you’d stop struggling,” Todd shot back. “Here, just let me--”

  Before he could finish his response, Aruna’s body glowed with black ectoplasm, and then she morphed into a small housecat. Todd fell backward onto the seat comically before he sat forward, brushed his greasy blond hair out of his face, and sighed.

  “I was totally gonna change myself,” he explained. “No reason to be a pussy about it.”

  The cabin of the Jeep let out a collective groan at the terrible joke.

  “I’m here ‘till Tuesday, bro,” he chuckled as his skin began to bubble.

  A few seconds later, and the Toddster was back in his imp form. He leaned back in the passenger seat, reached out, and patted the Aruna-cat on the head. The cat let out a loud hiss, and Todd retracted his hand with lightning-fast speed.

  “I don’t think she likes that,” Raphael observed matter-of-factly.

  “If I had a dollar for every time I’d heard that one,” the imp mumbled. “Anyways, let’s go get some grub!”

  I twisted on the ignition, backed the car out of the parking space, and then headed back onto the highway. We traveled down the semi-busy interstate for about thirty miles, until we found the nearest small town. We pulled off on the exit and began our hunt for food.

  “What’s everyone feeling like eating?” I asked the group.

  “Is that even a question, Jakey?” Todd mused. “Anything that’s greasy, fried, and or chocolate. Preferably all of the above.”

  “I don’t care,” Ariel admitted, “as long as I can get a salad or a superfood mix.”

  “I’m gonna pretend I didn’t hear that, LM,” Todd warned.

  “What about that place?” Raphael spoke up from the back. “Tex’s Chicken? Surely you can’t go wrong with a place that sells poultry.”