Succubus Lord 7 Page 22

  “Five beers, please,” I asked the bartender as I raised five fingers in the air.

  “Actually,” Tris interjected. “Make that four. The Devil’s Lettuce is my depressant of choice, and I’m not going to cheat on it with a freaking beer.”

  “Your loss, Slothy,” Todd chuckled. “I love a good doobie more than anything in the world, but nothing beats a cold beer after a long, tiring day.”

  A minute or two later, one of the waitresses walked over carrying four glasses of beer. As she sat them down on the table, I noticed they were all a piss yellow, and had almost no carbonated bubbles.

  “Excuse me, miss?” Todd asked ever-so-politely. “Do you have anything else? I’m more of a Brown Ale type of guy.”

  The dark-haired waitress looked at the imp and placed her hand sassily against her hip.

  “Honey, you must be new here,” she explained. “This is the First Circle. The only type of beer we’re allowed to have here is the light, low-calorie stuff.”

  “Fucking Hell,” Todd grumbled, but then he changed his tune and smiled at the waitress. “Sorry about that. I totally didn’t know. Thanks for the clarification!”

  As soon as the waitress walked away, the imp opened up his mouth, stuck out his tongue, and pointed at it as he made a gagging sound.

  “Hey,” I explained with a shrug. “Free beer is free beer. And I’ve never once in my life turned down alcohol that was free.”

  “I guess you’re right,” Todd sighed. “Light beer is better than no beer.”

  The four of us picked up our glasses and raised them into the air.

  “To victory?” I suggested.

  “To Jakey!” Todd interjected.

  Eligor and Gula both nodded in agreement, and then they exclaimed “To Jakey!”

  “You guys are too much,” I laughed and lowered the cup to my mouth.

  I took a swig of the beer and instantly remembered why I never drank the light stuff. It somehow had no flavor and too much flavor at the same time, almost like it was a yeast-flavored water. However, I persevered and chugged down the remainder of the glass. It felt warm going down, and it was somewhat refreshing after the insanity of the last couple days.

  I let out an “ahh” from my lips as I sat the empty glass down on a nearby table, and my friends did the same.

  “Straight horse piss,” Todd chuckled.

  Eligor’s face contorted into a look of disgust. “Thaaaat’s what it reminded me of,” she shuddered. “Thanks for that mental image, Todd.”

  Gula gulped her beer down in seconds, slammed the glass down on the table, and then wiped her lips clean.

  “It’s no Brasserie de Rochefort,” the redhead sighed, “but it gets the job done.”

  Just then, the door of the inn flew open, and Black Bart appeared with two of his men in tow. The pirates were carrying a large wooden chest that had to have been at least ten feet in length. Bart motioned for the patrons to make room at the center of the tavern, and then he waved us over as his goons sat the chest down on the floor.

  “Are ya ready?” he asked as his men began to unlock the large hatches on the chest.

  “Aye-aye, captain!” Todd exclaimed.

  “Excellent!” Black Bart clapped his hands together and stomped his foot. “It’s been awhile since I seen a group so excited about me weaponry.”

  “He was supposed to say ‘I can’t hear you,’” Todd mumbled as he hung his head.

  The pirates finished messing with the locks, and then they popped the wooden chest open. Inside were weapons, armor, and artillery from just about every different historical time period. There was a musket lying next to an AK-47. A few Romanesque daggers intermingled with Aztec Macuahuitl. There was a variety of hand grenades, artillery shells, and landmines interspersed between the different hand-to-hand weapons and semi-automatic weapons. I even caught sight of a chakram, much like the one our friend Aruna used back on Earth.

  “Holy shit,” I muttered in awe.

  “I take it ye be satisfied with my selection?” Black Bart said in full-on salesman mode.

  “You bet your ass I am,” I confirmed.

  “Do you have any more guns?” Todd asked curiously. “If we’re going to war with Azazel, we’re gonna need way more than just an AK-47 and some grenades, bro.”

  “There’s only a few of us, Todd,” I reminded the imp. “We don’t need more weapons than we can carry.”

  The imp grabbed me by the side of my shirt and pulled me in close.

  “There is no such thing as too many guns, bro,” he whispered into my ear. “I could finally live out my dream of being a one-imp army.”

  “We do have to account for the Shades,” Gula spoke up. “They’re going to need more than their pitchforks.”

  I nodded to the redhead and then turned back to face the pirate.

  “You heard the imp,” I commanded. “Do you have any more guns or artillery?”

  “Oh, son,” Black Bart laughed. “I’m a goddamn pirate. I’ve got everything ye could possibly need!”

  Bart whistled to his comrades and pointed to the door. They gave their captain an exaggerated salute, and then they rushed back out to the ship.

  “Plannin’ a mutiny of the Shades, are we?” the pirate asked coyly. “Ye wouldn’t happen to be goin’ against Azazel himself now, would ye?”

  “Wh--how did you know?” I gasped.

  Black Bart clapped his hands together happily.

  “I’ve been around the entirety of Hell, my boy,” he explained. “I know a weak Demon King when I see ‘em. That lad’s power’s been a-draining for years now. It was only a matter ‘a time before someone came along and sent him to Davy Jones’ locker!”

  The two pirates re-entered the inn with two more chests. These ones were much larger than the first two, and they landed against the ground with a metallic clang when they were set down.

  “Ask, and ye shall receive,” Black Bart said as he opened the containers.

  Inside of these chests was nothing but modern weaponry. Machine guns, semi-automatic pistols, shotguns, and grenades of all types lined the box.

  I couldn’t believe it. This guy literally had everything we could ever dream of.

  Suddenly, the two pirates slammed the lid of the chest closed.

  “Good,” Black Bart chuckled. “Then let’s talk about prices. What have ye brought to barter? I’ve got my eye on that black sword of yers, there. It’d be a perfect fit fer my collection … ”

  I placed my hand on the hilt of the Unhallowed Sword and instinctively took a step back.

  “Unfortunately, this is the one item I won’t part with,” I explained. “It’s far too important to me. Now, my friends, on the other hand, have some things they’d like to offer you.”

  I nodded at the two succubi, and they called forth their enchanted weapons.

  Gula’s axe never ceased to impress me. It was nearly as wide as the redhead’s entire body, and it had a massive blade on each side of the handle. Smack-dab in the center was a goat head very similar to the one that appeared on the hilt of my dagger.

  The coolest thing about Gula’s axe? It always roared red with Hellfire.

  Tris’ pistols, on the other hand, weren’t quite as flashy as her Sister’s weapon. However, they were equally as deadly with double the efficiency. Each one had a goat engraved into the metal of the grip, as well as the letter “T” on the barrel.

  Black Bart took his sweet time examining the weapons. He took Tris’ guns nearly all the way apart as he looked into the barrel, cocked the hammer, and even dumped out the bullets that were currently loaded. When he got the axe, the pirate swung it around his head a few times, polished the goat head with his jacket sleeve, and then held it over his shoulder.

  “These are fabulous,” he finally exclaimed. “But I’ve already got a ton ‘a these things in my arsenal.”

  “Those weapons are top of the line Hellfire weapons.” Eligor implored. “You can’t come by them easily, an
d nobody ever gives them up willingly. The only chance you’ll ever have to own a Hellfire-powered weapon again is if you find somebody with one and kill them. And that, I can tell you from experience, is no easy task.”

  “Ye drive a hard bargain,” the pirate sighed. “But I be feeling generous today. Tell ‘ya what. I’m a pirate meself, and I love me a good mutiny. I’ll let ya have whatever ye like, as long as ye promise me you’ll give me refuge once yer the new king.”

  “Really?” I asked curiously. “Anything we want? Even if we want more than one thing?”

  “Like I said,” Black Bart shrugged, “I be feeling generous today.”

  I extended my hand to the pirate, and we shook on the setup.

  “Deal,” I said as I grinned ear to ear.

  Before any of us could make a move, Todd had already jumped into the box and pulled out his prized possession. He hopped out of the chest with an FN F-2000 slung behind his back, accompanied by a string of incendiary grenades and a riot helmet.

  “This is gonna make me look like such a badass, bro,” Todd observed as he pulled the clear visor down over his face. “Not to mention, it’ll keep me clear of the splatterzone when I’m whackin the weasel.”

  “I’m not even going to justify that with a comment,” I sighed and began to search for my prize.

  I finally decided to go with some landmines rolling around in the chest, as well as some cool looking miniature tracking devices. I also grabbed a miniature sword that had a hooked blade on its end, simply because it looked so awesome.

  “Ah, the Khopesh,” Eligor noted. “That’s always a good choice. But are we really going with short-range weaponry?”

  “You know what?” I said as I stood up and put my hands against my hips. “Why don’t we just take the whole box? We’re going to need every ounce of firepower we can get.”

  “Like I said, my lad,” Black Bart spoke up, “take whatever ye need. Ya have no idea how nice it’ll be to not be runnin’ for me life all the time.”

  “I think that’s all we need,” I noted as I gave my new weapon a twirl in my hand. “Thank you for your time, Black Bart.”

  “The pleasure be all mine, Mr. Ralston,” he said with a bow. “Now that business is all done, how about we get ta celebrating? It’s gettin late outside, but the night still be young. Grab a beer, celebrate our newfound partnership, and then we can hook ya up with a couple of rooms here at the inn, free of charge. If yer really going inta a battle as big as what yer preppin’ for, ya deserve at least one night of celebration and relaxation!”

  “I dunno,” I said as I thought ahead to the long journey ahead. “We have a lot of ground to make up.”

  “Ah, come on, Jakey!” Todd scoffed. “It’s a night of free beer and hanging out with freaking pirates! Black Bart is right, we owe ourselves a little party now, don’t we?”

  “As much as I dislike beer, it does sound like a fun time … ” Tris pondered. “And it’s also gives me a chance to get a full ten hours of sleep in before we go off and storm the castle.”

  “Sister Tristitia is right.” Gula nodded. “The two of us haven’t gotten a full night’s sleep in days.”

  “Alright, alright,” I finally conceded. “We can party with pirates for a little bit. Then, we need to rest up and get ready for our big day tomorrow.”

  The waitress brought us all out another round of beer, and we raised it into the air with a cheer. As I chugged down the second glass and felt its disorienting effects begin to take hold, all of our problems seemed to fade away.

  I wasn’t worried about the Circles of Hell or Azazel or Beelzebub or any of those fuckers. It was just me, here with a bunch of my friends, and we were about to have a great time.

  I finished off my drink, slammed it down on the table, and ordered us another round.

  Tonight was going to be a night to remember.

  Chapter 13

  An hour or two into our celebration at the inn, I remember things getting a little fuzzy. My friends and I had been guzzling down our free beers like they were going out of style, and it was starting to take effect on us. The next thing I knew, a slurry speech Todd was showing off his wrestling moves on one of the brave patrons of the tavern, and Eligor was passed out in the bench seat of one of the booths. Meanwhile, Gula, Tris, and I were sitting around a high-top table talking about our new gadgets.

  “Can you believe this thing?” Tris whistled as she examined her bow. “A semi-automatic crossbow. What’ll they think of next, self-driving cars?”

  “That’s already a thing,” I explained with a chuckle.

  “But wait,” a half-drunk Gula interjected, “if the car is driving itself, how does it know when to stop for pedestrians? How does it keep from crashing into other cars? Does it have cameras all up inside of it?”

  “Sensors,” I stated matter-of-factly. “It’s all sensors and artificial intelligence.”

  “I’m gonna call bullshit on that one, dude,” Tris laughed. “A computer can never replace a human mind. Think about it, what happens if it’s faced with an ethical dilemma? Is your windows eight car gonna make the right choice on something like who lives and who dies? I think not. The brain of a living creature is the greatest invention the Exalted One ever gave us, and humans keep trying to build something that’s ‘better.’ You know what that leads to? Terminator. That’s what it leads to.”

  “I’m surprised you’ve seen that movie,” I said with a twinge of surprise. “I thought Azazel didn’t let you indulge in human pleasures?”

  “I saw it when I escaped that one time,” the Sister of Sloth said with a shrug. “I didn’t get what all the hype was about, honestly.”

  “What?” I gasped. “You didn’t like it?”

  “What was there to like?” the succubus asked. “It was all about some drug addict and his dead mom. And that woman robot? Please. I’ve seen toasters more deadly than her.”

  “Nooooo,” I guffawed as I realized which movie she was talking about. “You only saw the third one?”

  “It was the third one?” Tris pondered aloud. “That explains why I had no idea what the fuck was happening … ”

  “No wonder you don’t get the hype,” I whistled. “You saw the worst one. At least, the worst one at the time. You should totally watch the first two. They’re the ones that are legendary.”

  “Maybe when we get out of here, we can do a movie night,” the brunette succubus suggested.

  “That sounds marvelous!” Gula hiccupped. “I could whip up some gourmet food, we could each have a glass of wine as we snuggled on the couch … ”

  “That does sound nice,” Tris agreed. “Kicking back with a blunt and my two favorite people in the world?”

  Gula’s face turned beet red as she stared at the ground bashfully. “Knock it off, Tristitia,” she giggled. “I’d hate to make the others think you’re playing favorites.”

  Without warning, Tris stood up out of her seat and moved over to Gula. She placed one hand tenderly on her Sister’s face, and the other began to run lovingly up and down Gula’s side.

  “But you are my favorite,” the brunette cooed into Gula’s ear. “ I’ve already shown you that time and time again, haven’t I?”

  “Stooopppp,” Gula chuckled as her face grew even redder. “You’re going to get Jacob all hot and bothered.”

  The throbbing sensation I felt in my pants confirmed her suspicions.

  “Don’t mind me,” I flirted. “You guys just keep doing what you’re doing, and I’ll just watch.”

  “Damn right you will,” Tris said as she turned and looked at me with hunger in her eyes. “And maybe if you’re good, we’ll let you join in.”

  My pants grew tighter at the prospect of watching the two beautiful women make love, and I couldn’t help but smile like a fool.

  Gula looked around coyly to see if anyone was watching. “Bart said we could have a room on the house, right?” she asked.

  “Yeaaah, he did,” Tris confirmed. �
�Let’s go make use of it.”

  The brunette succubus shot me a wink before she stood up, grabbed Gula by the hand, and started to lead her toward the nearby staircase. She stopped once she was about halfway there, and then she motioned for me to follow.

  I stood from my bar stool and dashed across the tavern faster than I’d ever run before. Sure, I’d slept with both of these women before, but not at the same time. And I certainly hadn’t been teased with the prospect of getting to watch them go at it.

  I followed the strutting succubi up the stairs, and then we walked down the hallway of the inn until we found a door with a sign that read Reserved for Special Guests. We pushed it open immediately, and then the fun began.

  As the door slammed shut behind us, Tris placed her hands against Gula’s face and began to kiss her passionately. Then the two succubi made out tenderly as they began to undress each other and allowed their hands to explore each others’ bodies.

  Both of the women must have kept a change of clothes in the Jeep back on Earth, because neither of them wore their medieval garments any more. Instead, both of the sexy succubi were in simple jeans and t-shirts.

  Gula’s hands naturally sat at Tris’ waistline, so the Sister of Sloth’s pants were the first to go.

  I marveled as the fabric of her jeans slid down her thick thighs and exposed her tight, round ass. Gula must have liked it, too, because she grabbed a handful the second it was exposed and pressed her lips even tighter against Tris’ mouth.

  Tris playfully tossed the pants away with a flick of her ankle, and then she got to work on the redhead. She tenderly tugged Gula’s shirt off her torso and threw it on the ground behind them.

  The redhead’s voluptuous breasts bounced perkily as they were released from their fabric prison, and each of her tiny pink nipples stood erect and at the ready. They wouldn’t be exposed for long, however, as Tris instantly bent down and began to suck on them tenderly.

  Gula let out a groan of pleasure and slid her hand up the back of Tris’ shirt. Her expression was a look of pure ecstacy, with her eyes rolled back in her head and her mouth agape. The redheaded succubus tugged on Tris’ shirt and indicated that it needed to come off.